Men’s soccer league is nothing like beer league

Posted on July 8, 2011


The men's soccer league game I saw is nothing the softball seen in Beer League.

When I was asked by friend Nick to tag along with him to his men’s league soccer game, I envisioned it would be the soccer version of what men’s league softball is to baseball. Large beer drinking men who smoked more cigarettes than Patty and Selma from The Simpsons, and made their leashed housewives cheer them on just so they could relive their once promising youthful athletic careers. But, when I

got there I saw the complete opposite. I was in for a rude awakening when I assumed there would be over weight fat dudes drinking out of the kegger next to the bench, and I witnessed fit athletes warming up, stretching and drinking the healthiest of all liquids – water.

I should have expected this coming in. Me and my stupid self. What was I thinking! There is no such thing as an out of shape soccer player. At least while they are playing that is. Even the most out of shape still active soccer player is in shape compared to the average sloth like American.

The first half was a nice little game. Both teams scored one goal apiece. Also the game was pretty exciting because both teams had multiple scoring opportunities

they failed to fully capitalize on. Also near the end of the first half it looked like one player decapitated another when a ball was floated into the middle right side of the box. Even though it looked like one of those OMG moments, luckily no one was seriously injured.

During halftime I realized this wasn’t like a pickup game of basketball where nobody played defense and everyone acted like a shoot first point guard. There were set pieces and all that other soccer lingo I don’t understand. I don’t know if the team’s practiced or not. If they didn’t practice it just shows that soccer truly is a universal game where every one plays a crucial role, be that on offense or defense, and if one individual slips up the entire team pays for it. Meanwhile, if the team’s did indeed practice it just shows men’s league soccer is anything at all like men’s league softball and taken a heck of a lot more seriously.

Still tied, during the middle of the second half my friend drew a penalty kick. But just as he was about to take it, some old dude easily in his 50’s, walked in, took it for him and scored. Now keep in mind my friend Nick is a multiple time all-state soccer player, carried the majority of the offense on the 4th best Class A team in the state of Minnesota, should have won Mr. Soccer in the state of Minnesota but didn’t due to political BS, and is going off to the University of Vermont to play Division I soccer – and some bloody old wanker decides to step in ahead of him! To quote SNL and Keenan Thompson, “What’s up with that!” While the good news is that my friend’s team scored and took lead thanks to him, the bad news is that he doesn’t get any of the credit- the 50 year old guy does; because even though he drew the penalty kick through his out of this world skillful dribbling, if the old guy doesn’t make the shot it means absolutely diddly squat. But because the old guy did make the penalty shot, it does mean something. Unfortunately for my friend the old guy gets all the credit. I equate the ordeal to being the screenplay writer for the movie that wins the Academy Award for best film. Even though you came up with the film and the beginning catalyst for the movie – the director gets all the credit.

Late in the second half my friends team would score once more to pull ahead 3-1, but then literally seconds later the other team would score to draw the game back within one goal. With the score now standing 3-2, minutes later my friends team would score once more off of a free kick that deflected off of the goalie and was headed in. it was the quite the exciting closing minutes of the game.

When the game finished up my friend’s team was victorious winning 4-2. As caught up with him from the bleachers I asked what the old guy taking his penalty kick was all about. He said the guy was his former youth soccer coach. Oh, well then in that case it makes sense why he took it. You can’t really ever say no to a former coach, especially one you respect like he did.

As we were leaving I couldn’t help but be dumbfounded by my assumption as to what the men’s soccer league would be like. There was no keg next to the bench. There was no one smoking a cigarette on the field like some do in the outfield in men’s league softball. That being said my expectations weren’t completely nullified. A couple of leashed housewives showed up to cheer on their man as he was trying to relive his once promising glory days.